Permissions

Permissions

Kindness, love, and compassion toward yourself aren't selfish, they're necessary.

I hear so many women talk about needing more self-care and needing to be kinder to themselves. And yet, they still don't make time to actually do it. They still don't shift their thought patterns, change their behavior, or set boundaries for themselves.

They don't do it because they see putting themselves first, or even just putting themselves on their own list of priorities, as selfish. Because what they feel they'd be doing is taking time meant for other people and giving it to themselves instead.

How should this issue be explained so that more women truly grasp it! Shown in a way more women will understand! In a way that leads more women to make the changes they need to make, for themselves!

"Self-care doesn't mean 'me first,' it means 'me too'" - L. R. Knost

I think this quote touches me in a somewhat different way. Is it a different way of speaking to my audience, my clients, and all the women I train? Is it a different way of explaining things? I've come to the conclusion that it is.

I think many of us have given so much of ourselves to others for so long, because so many of us enjoy, love, and thrive on giving, helping, and supporting other people. And yet, we can't quite see how we could put ourselves first. You might think: if I put myself first, maybe I'm neglecting my partner, or my children, or my parents, or maybe even my colleagues, my team, my friends.

The oxygen mask analogy is important here. I know it sounds a bit clichéd to say "put on your own oxygen mask before helping others." But I still believe it's important to prioritize ourselves and our own wellbeing. Look at it from another angle: self-care doesn't mean me first, it means me too.

That doesn't mean someone else is any less deserving of my time, my support, my energy, or my attention. It means that, in addition to them, I'm also deserving of my own time, my own energy, my own support, I too deserve time for myself. So I found myself wondering whether this might change things. I'd love to know your thoughts, whether this has given you a different perspective, a different starting point, or a different foundation from which to make some of these changes for yourselves. Whether offering this different perspective might, in some way, help lift a bit of that guilt.

I hear it so often from women when it comes to self-care, this overwhelming sense of guilt. So even when they do things for themselves, they're not really present in that activity or in that time, because they're still worrying about what else might need doing.

One of my clients is a consultant with the NHS, and we spoke on Christmas Eve. She works in an emergency department. She'd worked night shifts for a week straight and was exhausted beyond measure. Her last shift ended on Christmas Eve morning. She needed sleep, and her husband offered to take the children out so she could catch up on rest.

So they went out, but the moment they left, she couldn't fall asleep, because she was overtaken by guilt over all the other things she felt she should be doing. Sorting the stocking fillers, wrapping last-minute presents, baking, setting things out for Santa. She felt so consumed by guilt over not using that time to rest that by the time her husband and children came home, she was even more exhausted, more wired, and not particularly patient or present. Then she just felt guilty about not having slept when she should have, guilty that her husband had had to take the kids out, and guilty that it was Christmas.

Christmas morning came, and the children woke her at 5am, jumping onto the bed. She said the feeling of "I really can't do this today" was overwhelming, and she felt even more consumed by guilt. She should have been with her family in that moment, and she wasn't, because she was utterly exhausted. I wonder how many of us feel this same way almost every day? If someone gives us that time, if someone gives us permission to set aside time for ourselves, we let that time become so weighed down with guilt that we don't get any of its benefits or rewards.

How many times have you felt guilty when someone gave you "permission" to take time for yourself, and you didn't take it? You give yourself permission and then choose to be consumed by guilt, that's a choice. It might be hard to accept, but it is a choice. You choose to feel guilty instead of enjoying the gift you've been given.

Self-care, the way we talk to ourselves, self-compassion, and self-kindness are all tied to these "permissions."

So often, we end up blaming other people, don't we?

"I couldn't do that for myself, because this person wanted my attention."

"I couldn't do that for myself, because this person came to me at the last minute and wanted this."

"I didn't do it for myself, because this came up at the last minute."

In that moment, we make a choice about whether we're giving to others or giving to ourselves. I fully understand there will be times when something genuinely is an urgent priority, but nine times out of ten, we're not talking about life-or-death situations. We're talking about someone else wanting a 10-minute chat, the kids wanting cereal or wanting to change the channel on the TV, or one of our best friends having had a rough day at work and really wanting us to go for a drink with her. Nine times out of ten, these are not life-or-death situations, and yet we choose to give to others when we ourselves are the ones who, in that moment, need to recharge.

"Self-care doesn't mean 'me first,' it means 'me too'" - L. R. Knost

Coming back to this quote: if you put someone else first every single time, then there's no time left for "me too." What you get instead is "me never," and that's the point where resentment can start to build. As leading women, we need to give ourselves permission to give ourselves what we need. If we can't do it right in that moment, then we need to give ourselves permission to do it at some point later that same day. Because we can't keep giving and giving and giving to others when we never give to ourselves.

If I give you an hour of my time, I too am deserving of taking time for myself. If I'm a listener for you, I too am deserving of time to be heard. If I give you support, I too am deserving of support. In the moments when we're given what we need, we also need to give ourselves permission to receive it, and not let that time be swallowed up by guilt, fear, anxiety, or worry. We give ourselves permission to be present, permission to reflect, and permission to receive what we need. We need to get out of our own way and stop choosing guilt and pain over acceptance and receiving. We need to stop choosing everyone else all the time, and choose ourselves.

We are worthy!

Sometimes we really do need to put our own oxygen mask on first.

If you're reaching a point of emotional exhaustion, it becomes even more important to focus on love and kindness toward yourself. Give yourself that permission, and recognize that it's not selfish to do the things you want to do. Remember that women who lead well do 3 things:

They understand who they are at their core, their core values, core beliefs, and core strengths

They hold strong boundaries

They make time for themselves

Kelly Swingler

"In 2013, I had a successful 15-year leadership career, but I was still burned out, exhausted, and missing out on family life. Determined to enjoy the success I'd earned, I built a life of balance and boundaries that is also deeply successful."

"What I realized after my burnout in 2013 is that the way women work simply doesn't work. The way we've been taught to define success is outdated, and yet it doesn't have to be that way. When we live and lead from our true selves, we can take joy in being successful women on our own terms and in our own way."

"Today, I help women leaders around the world succeed without giving up their careers or putting their wellbeing at risk."